Arthur Murder Mystery
by kimchiunicorn
Summary: There is a shooter roaming the halls of Elwood Elementary. After Mr. Ratburn is shot and murdered, Arthur and his friends must find out who among them is the killer...


**Who Killed Mr. Ratburn: An Arthur Whodunit?**

It was just an ordinary day at Mr. Ratburn's 4th grade class. Mr. Ratburn was carrying on his lesson about "Moby Dick," how the book reperesented secret lust for whales in 19th century America. As usual, Arthur was looking at naked pictures of celebirties on his cellphone, Binky was injecting steriods into his arms to support his big, beefy muscles, and Buster was eating a gallon of ice cream in order to supress the pain he felt in watching his mother have sex with his aunt as a child. Francine and Muffy were licking each other's tits because that's what girls that age do; they lick each other's tits.

Then suddenly, the announcement went on and the Principle spoke in a panic frenzy. "Oh my Lord!" he said. "There is a shooter aloose in the school, and he might be heading for you next! Everyone duck and take cover underneath your desks!"

Everyone screamed and scrambled underneath their desks. Buster, who sat next to Arthur, said "hey Arthur, in case if we never make it, I just want you to know that you're my best friend... and that I've always wanted to eat your asshole."

"Ew,: Said Arthur. "Your such a fag. Only fags tell people they're thier best friend!"

A three distinct gunfires rang in the classroom, followed by Mr. Ratburn's pained screaming. After sitting there for twenty minutes, the students cautiously left thier desks to see Mr. Ratburn sprawled onto his desk, a puddle of blood staining his evergreen sweater. It was obvious that the bullets came from somewhere in the classroom. All thee students looked at each other, perplexed and suspicious.

Brain struts to Mr. Ratburn's fresh corpse. He drags a finger through the blood and tastes it. "This tastes like a mystery, guys!," says the insufferable Brain.

"Fuck you, sit down, Brian!" replies Binky. Though only Binky speaks his objection, everyone silently agrees that Brain is a fucktard and should sit down.

Having silenced Brian, Binky becomes the de facto leader of the investigation. His first order of business: lock the door. No one in or out. The murderer must be inside the room. Second order of business: command everyone to strip nude. Binky leads by example and removes all of his clothing, throwing his tighty-whiteys onto Ratburn's dead face. The whole class reluctantly complies - except one. It's Arthur.

Binky presses the issue, "Why haven't you stripped down, Arthur? Drop those pants!"

"N-No," Arthur counters, mustering all the courage he has. "I won't do it, and you can't make me do it!"

There is a deafening quiet. Buster breaks the silence: "He's hiding something! It was Arthur! Arthur did it!" Buster used to love Arthur, but Arthur called him a fag; he cannot forgive this.

Binky holds Arthur down by the neck, as George and Sue Ellen and a bunch of other shitty forgettable characters rip Arthur's clothing off. Shoes, then jeans, then sweater, then boxers. Arthur is as naked as everyone else now, and it becomes clear why he objected at all. Across his buttcheeks, in gothic lettering: "Gay 4 Ratburn 4 Lyfe." And a gun. Arthur had a gun.

Everyone gasps and clamors to grab him. "Wait!" Arthur protests. "You don't understand! I live in a dangerous environment!"

Binky raises an eyebrow. "You live in Elwood City, There's no danger here."

"Yeah, but in my house, DW keeps trying to take coins from my piggy bank. I have to shoot shots at her to get her away. And Pal keeps licking my nuts when I'm in bed. I can't sleep when he licks my nuts like that so I have to anal-rape him with my gun! Here, Brain, come here and sniff this gun."

Brain walks over to Arthur, takes the gun, and takes a long wiff of it. "Yup he's right. It has scents from an anal gland of a Canis lupus familiaris."

Everyone rolled thier eyes. Binky groaned and said, "just say 'dog' you pretentious shit bag."

Brain answered, "I'm sorry... I just throw in random sciency-words to feel special..."

"Okay," Binky said, "so I guess Arthur didn't shoot Ratburn since he's homo for him and also he uses the gun to anal-rape his dog. Who could be our other suspect..."

Then suddenly, Binky looked straight at Muffy's tits. He stared for a good five minutes until Muffy cried, "stop looking at my tits you perv!"

"Oh my god," Binky cried. "Your tits... are they fucking *tiny revolvers!?*"

Everyone looked at Muffy's tits and sure enough, they were tiny revolvers. Francine gasped and wondered how after six years of tit licking friendship, she never noticed she was licking a gun.

Muffy cried, "how rude! A rich girl like me deserves a weaponized female body!" She turned around and shat a grenade onto the floor. Everyone gasped. "Don't have a fit - it's undetonated."

"So YOU KILLED RATBURN!"

"How could I? If I did, there would be bullet holes in my dress. Check my dress - there are no bullet holes."

Arthur and Binky checked her dress - sure enough, no bullet holes.

Then suddenly, everyone just noticed George was impaled on the American flag on top of the announcer. Nobody noticed George dying since he's George. Binky strokes his chin in thought before announcing, "Murder suicide! George must have killed Ratburn, then killed himself out of guilt! Case closed! Let's read books and play sports."

"But, Binky!" protests Brain. "George doesn't have a gun or anything. How could he have shot the teacher?"

Binky gets fucking pissed. "Fucking shit, Brian. Who told you that you could talk, Brian? We just solved a mystery. Are you jealous that you didn't solve it? I hate you, Brian, and so does everyone else." The class nods in agreement. The nods and murmurs become laughter.

Brain is fuming at the humiliation. Brain grabs Muffy's ass-grenade, pulls the pin and grips it tight. Everyone stops laughing.

Brain meets the gaze of every classmate, holding the grenade up high. "THE MYSTERY IS OVER WHEN WE HAVE PROVEN IT BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT. WE PROVE THIS SHIT BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT OR I LET GO OF THIS ASS-GRENADE AND BLOW US ALL TO HELL, WHICH DOESN'T EXIST BECAUSE THERE'S NO AFTERLIFE."

Binky rolled his eyes. "Oooh... even your theological views are irritating. I hope you do let go so I don't have to deal with your stupid bullshit anymore."

Buster looked over at Muffy. "Say Muffy, if I ate your asshole, would your orgasm be... explosive?"

"How Rude!" Muffy cried. "Only Francine has permission to eat anything on my body..."

Francine looked at Muffy lovingly. "I love you Muffy," she said. They proceeded to eat each other out on the floor.

BInky shouted, "hey guys, stop eating each other we have a mystery to solve! Hey Buster, by the way, why did you say Arthur was your best friend? That is a real faggy thing to say. Is it possible... that you secretly love Arthur? And that you killed Ratburn out of jealousy!?"

Brain stroked his chin. "That is a very possible situation.""

"Shut the fuck up Brian. Everyone, search Buster's desk, NOW!"

So on Binky's orders, everyone went towards Buster's desk and dumped all it's contents onto the floor. They looked through the supplies for potential weapons but they only found a ball gag, whips, pictures of Arthur's face photoshopped onto Hulk Hogan's naked body, mysterious pictures of DW on the toilet, and various fan fictions he wrote about his friend Arthur, who in another universe is a magical space donkey who cums ice cream from his giant penis. Curiously, there was a ninja star in the desk as well.

Binky picked up the ninja star and held it in front of Buster's face. "How do you explain this?"

"It's a special sex toy," he replied nervously. "It used for touching assholes."

"What is it with you and assholes!?"

Buster went behind Arthur and said, "allow me to demonstrate..." Buster poked Arthur's butthole with the ninja star which caused him to bleed profusley like a fountain.

"Heheh, woops," Buster said.

Just then, the lighting fixture on top of thier heads fell and crushed both Buster and Arthur.

"Aw rats," Binky said.

Brain shakes his head disapprovingly. "Two potential suspects unaccounted for. We'll never figure out who shot Ratburn with a laser gun."

Binky rolls Ratburn's corpse over and sees the telltale burns of a high-powered laser. Binky shoves The Brain and glares. "How did you know it was a laser gun?"

"I saw the laser hit him, you dolt!"

"LASERS MOVE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT. HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS A LASER GUN?"

"I saw the laser burns! So did you!"

"NO, NO YOU DIDN'T. YOU KILLED RATBURN, DIDN'T YOU, BRIAN? I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR SHIT."

Muffy raises her voice, "No, Binky! The ass-grenade!"

Brain only laughs. "You stupid fucks. I killed Ratburn. It was me. You never let me do anything cool. I was going to earn your respect and everything. But you wouldn't let me have that, would you?" He turns to Muffy with a mad look in his eyes. "And by the way-" He licks the ass-grenade. "CONSUMER-GRADE ASS-GRENADES DON'T HAVE ANY EXPLOSIVES IN THEM!"

He throws the ass-grenade, striking Muffy's forehead - instant death. Francine cradles her best and skankiest friend in her arms. She looks at Brain, then Binky. "Ruin his shit, Barnes."

Binky scrambles for Arthur's gun and points it at Brain. Brain has already taken aim at Binky with the laser pistol he had up his butt the whole time.

Francine grabbed Muffy's tit-revolvers and pointed it at Brain as well. It was a three way standoff. Sweat poured down thier faces and you could see Brain and Binky's hands rattling nervously.

"You know Binky," brian said, "you aren't going to win. You know why? Because I'm smarter then you. And your head looks like a penis. When I'm through with you, your head is going to be ejaculating blood all over the carpet. And it won't be for human procreation!"

Binky groaned. "Shut the FUCK UP!"

Binky shot Brain in his forehead. Strangely, it didn't go through. It just lodged itself in his skull.

Binky gasped.

Brain laughed evily and said, "you fool, all those nights of studying and reading have made my head grow exponentially so that it is as thick as granite! Now that you are about to die, I might as well tell you why I murdered Mr. Ratburn - you see, what you don't realize is that we were supposed to murder his class together, so we could run away together and get married. *I* was his secret gay lover! But no, instead he decided he would rather be with... the twibble twins. He said I was an insufferable shit and needed *excitement* in his life. And also, apparently he needs two penises to be satisfied."

Francine and Binky gasped. A single tear fell down Brain's eye. "Well, time to kill both of you."

He first shot Binky in the stomach. Binky tumbled over on the floor. His intestines spilled out of his stomach and he cried, "aw man, that's really weak."

"Wait!" Francine cried. "I still have Muffy's tit-guns! I'm going to-"

Brain went up to Francine and grabbed her by the head. He dragged her over to the paper cutter and chopped her head off. Blood splattered all over his face. "Stupid bitch," he cried. "Now my plans are complete, I'm going to go home now..."

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Brain felt his neck being crushed by two giant hands. He looked behind him to see Mr. Ratburn!'

"What!? Impossible? How are you..."

"Hahahaaha!" Mr. Ratburn laughed. "You were too feeble to realize that unlike bullets, laser tends to cut much cleaner! The damage you caused was only minuscule! I only pretended to be dead so I could strike at the perfect moment! You almost hit my organs Brain... so now, I WANT YOURS!"

"Noooooo!" Brain cried as Mr. Ratburn gnawed on Brain's body with his two front teeth and started eating away at him until only his organs remained. Mr. Ratburn always admired Brain's giant dick, so Mr. Ratburn stitched Brian's dick right next to his own so that he had two dicks.

"This is superaltive!" Mr. Ratburn said. "Now I can pleasure both the twibble twins at once!"

(Mr. Ratburn looks cheekily at the camera. Arthur ending theme plays.)

"And you swear that's what happened?"

"Yes," says Sue Ellen, quivering. She is still naked and spattered in the blood of her friends.

"Now don't you worry, little girl. We'll bring Ratburn to justice."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Because if you can't," Sue Ellen glares. "I will."


End file.
